All right guys and girls, cheating is serious business. If you’re going to do it, and don’t want an emotionally traumatizing mess on your hands, don’t be stupid.
Most relationships that end because of infidelity (and sometimes they end violently!) do so because either the man or woman make really stupid mistakes and end up getting caught.
If you’re going to hide it, hide it. Or, if you’re going to confess some time, do it in a civilized and mature manner. But do NOT make the same mistakes that every idiot makes and then end up getting “exposed” on Facebook, because that’s going viral for all the wrong reasons.
Here are 10 “must know” tips on not getting caught with your pants down…literally!
Phone and email first
For god’s sake, don’t use your real phone number or email address!
Seriously, these people are just begging to get caught. When you’re planning to cheat, you don’t leave evidence on your regular and easy to access email, or your cell phone or your tablet.
If your partner is suspicious (and just a LITTLE suspicious) rest assured he/she will check your email. It’s best to create a brand new email account and ALWAYS sign out when you’re done sending and receiving messages.
Log off and keep it that way
Don’t trust Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other social media site to keep your secret! Yes, as if anyone should have to be reminded of this (and apparently they do!) keeping any record of a conversation on Facebook or any other social media site is a big risk.
Even if you don’t store all your cyber sex sessions right in plain sight, your partner is smart enough to go back and look for any evidence of your flirting with other people. That’s what detectives call a “lead.”
Signing out of social media sites requires lots of deliberate steps and many people forget to cover all their tracks. Successfully hiding an affair requires what you might call a feeling of anxiety when you process everyday transactions – always aware that you cannot combine the two worlds.
That’s the feeling you want to keep, because as soon as you get too comfortable is when you make a mistake. This rightful paranoia about getting caught is why many cheaters choose to use a secure and exclusive cell phone, tablet or work computer, one their partner doesn’t know about.
Delete your browser history—but not all of it
If you have no choice but to use the home computer or a tablet, clear your browser history on a regular basis. However, be careful not to constantly erase all of it, as this is a sign of hiding something.
A partner who is trying to catch you in the act doesn’t have to find a crime scene – just evidence of you lying or hiding something to formally accuse you of cheating. Using a navigator like Chrome or Firefox gives you the option of surfing while incognito (invisible) which means your browser information will not be recorded on your computer for the entire session.
Use cash or a prepaid card
Don’t make any purchases related to the affair with a check or credit card.
This is a surprisingly common mistake. A suspicious partner has no qualms about going through billing statements that come through the mail or online.
If he or she sees evidence of strange purchases, rented hotel rooms, romantic gifts, restaurant bills, or other charges, this screams “cheating!”
Use cash when possible or set up a new bank account or card that traces to a PO box. Even better, get a prepaid card to use exclusively for your affairs.
Buy separate birth control
Oh my God, people! Really? You have to be told to buy separate condoms? I can’t believe how many couples I’ve read about that broke up because the cheater (ahem, usually the guy) left extra condoms in his wallet, in the car, or somewhere where no “extra condoms” should have been.
The same thing goes for missing condoms. Just consider buying a fresh new batch of condoms every time you go out hunting, rather than being cheap about it and risk blowing your cover.
If you feel inclined to be stingy, think of it this way: A box of condoms will cost you like $15. A divorce, on the other hand, can cost you most of what you have.
Have an alibi for where you go
We know this seems a bit “extreme” and like something a criminal is concerned with rather than a discrete cheater, but hey. If you want to fool around and NOT get caught, don’t be reckless with your time. Very few couples are cool with one mate disappearing at odd times of the day.
Always have an alibi for the place, the person you were with and the time that masks your secret affair. If you’re going to be doing this frequently, make friends with another cheater of the same sex or ask your Bro (or BFF) to be your cover.
True, it’s a huge risk asking someone else to cover for you, but if you’re constantly making up terrible alibis that are not very convincing (and there’s no witnesses supporting you), you will eventually get caught.
Hide your info from your lover
When you’re cheating, you’re not only hiding things from your spouse – to properly cover your ass, you also need to hide your personal information from your lover.
This means making sure to never call your lover from your phone…or give them any personal information. Either you will get caught chatting, or your partner will see suspicious phone records…or worse yet, your angry lover may call you at home and try to ruin your life!
Smart cheaters not only avoid talking on the home or work phone, but may also give them a fake name, fake address and the number to an “incognito” cell phone that the spouse will never find. This may seem devious, but hey…the alternative is to risk your lover calling you at 2:00 AM in a desperate rage. Not a very sexy feeling!
Drive out of town…like way out of town!
How many affairs have been exposed because one or both partners were too cheap to go the distance and travel outside of city limits? Or at least neighborhood limits. The closer you stay to home, the more likely you are to run into friends, family or neighbors who will notice something “off” about your routine.
In fact, a recent poll of cheaters over at Huffington Post revealed that a large percentage of cheaters said they are willing to travel miles out of their way to meet with their lover so they won’t get spotted by any nosy third party.
Lack of showering is a bad thing!
It’s hard to believe some men would risk their marriages and half of all they own, simply because they forget to shower after an affair and end up smelling like another woman’s perfume, or they still have lipstick on their collar, or they just smell like sex.
Hiding the physical evidence, not only on your body, but everything in your car including a change of clothes are small details that will be noticed if they’re unusual.
Where will you go to wash your “mistress” clothes? In fact, many cheaters are so keen to the finer details they will go out of their way to avoid making any drastic physical changes or routine changes so as not to tip off their spouse.
Play it cool…don’t let your reactions be your giveaway
Let’s face it, if you’re attractive and constantly on the go, your partner is probably going to suspect you cheating at least a few times in your life.
So if you are really cheating on him/her, then don’t do any of the following:
- Scream, throw things, accuse him/her of cheating, and generally behave like a fool. Anger is a giveaway of feeling guilty.
- Don’t laugh scornfully as if your partner is crazy. While you might think laughing is a way to toss away the accusation, your partner may see this as disrespect and an unwillingness to deal with their hurt feelings.
- Practice your “reaction” and don’t try to be overly apologetic, as if you’re guilty. Don’t make dramatic changes, since this indicates regret.
- Don’t avoid talking about it or live in denial of what your partner feels.
In other words, you do not want to act in a way that will validate your partner’s suspicions. In other words, your goal is to act surprised and hurt that he/she would doubt your fidelity.
Instead of giving them a negative reaction, give them positive reinforcement. Reassure them of your love and then listen to them share their feelings. Help them find another reason to explain their suspicion.
Essentially, you’re admitting a lesser sin – such as not being communicative enough, or not spending enough personal time with your partner. Because believe it or not, what he/she is upset about most is that you are not giving THEM the attention they need and so they assume you’re giving it to someone else.
By concentrating on making your partner happy (while keeping your cheating a guarded secret) you will take the attention off of your other lovers and put attention back on your happily married mate. Sneaky, right?