How to End an Affair: 6 Ways to Exit Without Drama or Trauma

Well that was hot! The sex was amazing. The danger of getting caught but escaping out of the window at the last minute was a rush. And all that awkward conversation you had in public, as you introduced your “work friend” to your spouse was strangely erotic.

And now it’s over…

But wait! Something’s gone terribly wrong. Just when you think your affair is over, now your mistress / “histress” is going all Fatal Attraction on you and is threatening to destroy your marriage, your family, your job and your entire life.

What next? Is she going to show up at your house? Or kill the family dog? Or write graffiti all over your garage?

No sex is worth this kind of stress!

So yes, it is actually really important that you give some thought to ending an affair “drama-free” well before the extramarital relationship starts to finish. Because breakups that are done impulsively and without sensitivity do often end in disaster.

But not to worry…here are a few tips that can help you end an affair without drama, violence or hysteria.

Prepare her for the inevitable well beforehand

This direct attitude may not help you get laid, but what it will do is help you avoid encouraging false expectations in her. Make it clear that this is about sex, or attraction, but that you doubt you will ever leave your spouse.

Your sex partner may not want to hear that, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he/she won’t sleep with you. It just means you avoid the topic and don’t think too much about the future. On the other hand, promising her the world and then disappointing her time and time again is a one way ticket to your personal hell!

Avoid emotional bonding with your mistress

This is the first sign of a truly dangerous turn in the relationship – when the sex partner tries to assume the role of second “wife” (or husband) and wants to bond emotionally, share intimacy, or talk about love. This means your partner is falling for you romantically and that may change their expectations.

In their mind, they now view your spouse as the enemy and will always be plotting to steal you away from your family. You must be alert to signs that the sex partner is falling for you, and escape RIGHT THEN rather than stick around to help amplify that feeling into Love.

Interestingly, it’s not always about the mistress either. Some relationship experts speculate that no person – except sociopaths and sex workers – can completely detach themselves from the emotional element of sex.

Guilt and remorse can plague a person and if you suffer from this, you may actually be the catalyst that brings drama and stress to your own relationship – with the spouse and the mistress.

Be very clear, and don’t be overly nice or hopeful

Many men make the mistake of either being too nice or being too distant. Both are wrong approaches that will result in a confused mistress trying to reach you for clarification.

Don’t be hopeful or overly sensitive if you are conveying to her that it’s definitely over – and there is no chance of starting up again. On the other hand, do not be abrupt and cease all communication, because a mistress can misinterpret this as just “time off” and think maybe things can start again in the future.

You have to be tough, firm and very clear that the relationship cannot continue. Give her (or him) specific reasons why it has to end and do not try to butter them up, flatter them or make them feel happy.

You can be apologetic but you still have to be firm in saying goodbye. Being wishy washy and continuing to text or chat with her is sending mixed messages.

Do your homework beforehand

One reason so many guys get into these dangerous extramarital affairs is because they just blindly have sex with whoever they can get, rather than thinking about the best “type” of mistress who will not destroy their lives when the relationship runs its course.

For instance, they avoid using real names or giving any personal information. This way, they can leave the relationship whenever they choose with no personal attachment.

One mistake that a lot of men make is to become involved with someone emotionally immature or weak, rather than limiting one’s self to mistresses who are self-confident. For example, self-confident working women…they are more likely to get over a breakup than a woman who is a more “dependent” personality.

Sometimes recognizing someone’s weakness or immaturity in advance of the affair is the best way to prevent it from spiraling out of control.

Move!

Well, this may be an act of desperation, but sometimes it’s necessary if you are serious about moving on and never looking back.

Leaving town forever can serve more than one purpose. Not only does it remove temptation from you but it can also reduce the risk of being caught.

Granted, you do have to use your imagination and find a good reason to move (like a job transfer or to be near family) but if you are running out of other options on how to keep your family together, it may be a last resort.

Start dating a new mistress

If you are genuinely concerned about not having the self-control needed to dispose of the relationship, then maybe finding a new mistress – one without emotional bonds – may help you lose interest in the other person you no longer want.

Doing so not only distracts you from the unwanted mistress but will also make you a more selfish and unsatisfying lover or possibly make you uninterested in having sex with the old mistress altogether.

It will make you seem emotionally unavailable and nothing worth wanting – perhaps the mistress will start to see these negative aspects of you and be willing to let you go.

It sounds a bit cruel, perhaps, but sometimes being a bit of a bore, or a pig, is the best way to “cure” your mistress of any mistaken notions of love.

Some men may actually go so far as to increase their negative behavior rapidly – assuming characteristics that he knows his sex partner doesn’t like. Whether that’s arrogance, possessiveness, pathetic or subordinate behavior, or some other inglorious trait, the mistress is more likely to end the relationship if she sees the person has drastically changed.

Actively planning to discourage and avoid drama is the best approach. The worst thing you can do is try to downplay drama as it is happening. In this case, that famous cheating scoundrel Benjamin Franklin was right – “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”!

10 Must Know Tips to Not Get Caught While Cheating

All right guys and girls, cheating is serious business. If you’re going to do it, and don’t want an emotionally traumatizing mess on your hands, don’t be stupid.

Most relationships that end because of infidelity (and sometimes they end violently!) do so because either the man or woman make really stupid mistakes and end up getting caught.

If you’re going to hide it, hide it. Or, if you’re going to confess some time, do it in a civilized and mature manner. But do NOT make the same mistakes that every idiot makes and then end up getting “exposed” on Facebook, because that’s going viral for all the wrong reasons.

Here are 10 “must know” tips on not getting caught with your pants down…literally!

Phone and email first

For god’s sake, don’t use your real phone number or email address!
Seriously, these people are just begging to get caught. When you’re planning to cheat, you don’t leave evidence on your regular and easy to access email, or your cell phone or your tablet.

If your partner is suspicious (and just a LITTLE suspicious) rest assured he/she will check your email. It’s best to create a brand new email account and ALWAYS sign out when you’re done sending and receiving messages.

Log off and keep it that way

Don’t trust Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any other social media site to keep your secret! Yes, as if anyone should have to be reminded of this (and apparently they do!) keeping any record of a conversation on Facebook or any other social media site is a big risk.

Even if you don’t store all your cyber sex sessions right in plain sight, your partner is smart enough to go back and look for any evidence of your flirting with other people. That’s what detectives call a “lead.”

Signing out of social media sites requires lots of deliberate steps and many people forget to cover all their tracks. Successfully hiding an affair requires what you might call a feeling of anxiety when you process everyday transactions – always aware that you cannot combine the two worlds.

That’s the feeling you want to keep, because as soon as you get too comfortable is when you make a mistake. This rightful paranoia about getting caught is why many cheaters choose to use a secure and exclusive cell phone, tablet or work computer, one their partner doesn’t know about.

Delete your browser history—but not all of it

If you have no choice but to use the home computer or a tablet, clear your browser history on a regular basis. However, be careful not to constantly erase all of it, as this is a sign of hiding something.

A partner who is trying to catch you in the act doesn’t have to find a crime scene – just evidence of you lying or hiding something to formally accuse you of cheating. Using a navigator like Chrome or Firefox gives you the option of surfing while incognito (invisible) which means your browser information will not be recorded on your computer for the entire session.

Use cash or a prepaid card

Don’t make any purchases related to the affair with a check or credit card.
This is a surprisingly common mistake. A suspicious partner has no qualms about going through billing statements that come through the mail or online.

If he or she sees evidence of strange purchases, rented hotel rooms, romantic gifts, restaurant bills, or other charges, this screams “cheating!”

Use cash when possible or set up a new bank account or card that traces to a PO box. Even better, get a prepaid card to use exclusively for your affairs.

Buy separate birth control

Oh my God, people! Really? You have to be told to buy separate condoms? I can’t believe how many couples I’ve read about that broke up because the cheater (ahem, usually the guy) left extra condoms in his wallet, in the car, or somewhere where no “extra condoms” should have been.

The same thing goes for missing condoms. Just consider buying a fresh new batch of condoms every time you go out hunting, rather than being cheap about it and risk blowing your cover.

If you feel inclined to be stingy, think of it this way: A box of condoms will cost you like $15. A divorce, on the other hand, can cost you most of what you have.

Have an alibi for where you go

We know this seems a bit “extreme” and like something a criminal is concerned with rather than a discrete cheater, but hey. If you want to fool around and NOT get caught, don’t be reckless with your time. Very few couples are cool with one mate disappearing at odd times of the day.

Always have an alibi for the place, the person you were with and the time that masks your secret affair. If you’re going to be doing this frequently, make friends with another cheater of the same sex or ask your Bro (or BFF) to be your cover.

True, it’s a huge risk asking someone else to cover for you, but if you’re constantly making up terrible alibis that are not very convincing (and there’s no witnesses supporting you), you will eventually get caught.

Hide your info from your lover

When you’re cheating, you’re not only hiding things from your spouse – to properly cover your ass, you also need to hide your personal information from your lover.

This means making sure to never call your lover from your phone…or give them any personal information. Either you will get caught chatting, or your partner will see suspicious phone records…or worse yet, your angry lover may call you at home and try to ruin your life!

Smart cheaters not only avoid talking on the home or work phone, but may also give them a fake name, fake address and the number to an “incognito” cell phone that the spouse will never find. This may seem devious, but hey…the alternative is to risk your lover calling you at 2:00 AM in a desperate rage. Not a very sexy feeling!

Drive out of town…like way out of town!

How many affairs have been exposed because one or both partners were too cheap to go the distance and travel outside of city limits? Or at least neighborhood limits. The closer you stay to home, the more likely you are to run into friends, family or neighbors who will notice something “off” about your routine.

In fact, a recent poll of cheaters over at Huffington Post revealed that a large percentage of cheaters said they are willing to travel miles out of their way to meet with their lover so they won’t get spotted by any nosy third party.

Lack of showering is a bad thing!

It’s hard to believe some men would risk their marriages and half of all they own, simply because they forget to shower after an affair and end up smelling like another woman’s perfume, or they still have lipstick on their collar, or they just smell like sex.

Hiding the physical evidence, not only on your body, but everything in your car including a change of clothes are small details that will be noticed if they’re unusual.

Where will you go to wash your “mistress” clothes? In fact, many cheaters are so keen to the finer details they will go out of their way to avoid making any drastic physical changes or routine changes so as not to tip off their spouse.

Play it cool…don’t let your reactions be your giveaway

Let’s face it, if you’re attractive and constantly on the go, your partner is probably going to suspect you cheating at least a few times in your life.

So if you are really cheating on him/her, then don’t do any of the following:

  • Scream, throw things, accuse him/her of cheating, and generally behave like a fool. Anger is a giveaway of feeling guilty.
  • Don’t laugh scornfully as if your partner is crazy. While you might think laughing is a way to toss away the accusation, your partner may see this as disrespect and an unwillingness to deal with their hurt feelings.
  • Practice your “reaction” and don’t try to be overly apologetic, as if you’re guilty. Don’t make dramatic changes, since this indicates regret.
  • Don’t avoid talking about it or live in denial of what your partner feels.

In other words, you do not want to act in a way that will validate your partner’s suspicions. In other words, your goal is to act surprised and hurt that he/she would doubt your fidelity.

Instead of giving them a negative reaction, give them positive reinforcement. Reassure them of your love and then listen to them share their feelings. Help them find another reason to explain their suspicion.

Essentially, you’re admitting a lesser sin – such as not being communicative enough, or not spending enough personal time with your partner. Because believe it or not, what he/she is upset about most is that you are not giving THEM the attention they need and so they assume you’re giving it to someone else.

By concentrating on making your partner happy (while keeping your cheating a guarded secret) you will take the attention off of your other lovers and put attention back on your happily married mate. Sneaky, right?

Who Cheats More: Men or Women?

It’s just a fact, isn’t it? Men cheat more than women do. Men are dogs. Men watch porn. Men think about sex every five seconds. Men are also selfish and perhaps genetically inclined to cheat, since their biological motivation is to spread their seed to as many females as possible to ensure survival of their bloodline.

Well now that we’re done with all the clichés, let’s analyze some evidence.

The truth is that the answer to who really cheats more is a bit more complex than what we might have heard.

Who cheats more: men or women?

When it comes to cheating, it may not be as simple as men vs women.

According to some sources, such as University of Connecticut professor Christin Munsch, cheating may be related to profession more so than gender. According to this particular study, the most moneymaking partner (or “breadwinner”) is likelier to cheat.

However, this wasn’t the only interesting finding. According to a Guardian story, partners who were completely financially dependent on their partners were likelier to cheat, particularly men.

The first statistic suggests that there is a correlation between more married women out-earning their husbands in salary, and thus fitting in with the general statistic that breadwinners cheat more so than evenly matched spouses.

Why do the most successful family-oriented partners feel inclined to cheat?

It’s possible that these men or women feel they can get away with the act, since their spouses are unlikely to leave them even if they cheat, since ending the relationship would require a complete lifestyle change.

Munsch went onto say that any relationship where there is “inequity” will not fare well in the long-run, and infidelity may be a real temptation.

Perhaps a somewhat biased perspective on the matter came from Men’s Health magazine, which revealed not-so-surprising statistics like 95 percent of Ashley Madison’s users were male. The writer even said that “conventional” wisdom states that women are hardwired for monogamy.

However, the publication also quoted two researchers, one from Dr. Kristen Mark, the other from Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, who both claimed that a big shift was definitely taking place—and either more married women are cheating now than ever before, or they are just being honest about their infidelity more so than the previous generation.

A more blatant study quoted by Fox News stated that while 70 percent of men in a survey admitted to infidelity, 50-60 percent of the married women also confessed to having an affair.

While these statistics weren’t as concrete as other studies, the article did focus on a different perspective: these decisions to cheat are not based on genetics or money or even marital happiness.

They were based exclusively on sexual satisfaction. The writer also suggested that psychological issues thwarting intimacy, and low self-esteem, also contribute to unhappy sex lives…and thus increase the chance of infidelity from one or both partners.

Another survey, based in Britain revealed that older women between the ages of 35 to 40 may engage in infidelity more often than younger women, and that the reason was linked to physical or emotional neglect from their “innocent” partner.

The women who cheated outnumbered the men in this poll, 25 percent compared to 9 percent…although we do have to wonder just how many cheating guys lied to protect their own sense of self-righteousness?

Brendan P. Zietsch of the University of Queensland, Australia brought a scientific perspective to the phenomenon, stating that some women may have a genetic disposition to cheat based on a certain mutation.

He attempted to link infidelity in women to the release of hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. In his studies, he linked together the tendency for the “eyes to wander” with variations in oxytocin and vasopressin receptor genes. He claims that of the five variants he found in the vasopressin receptor gene, they were all in the subjects who happened to be adulterous married women.

Based on his studies, women also tend to cheat for an oxytocin-related high—one of emotional bonding, trust and empathy.

The researcher went on to quote observations about vole studies, showing that while monogamous voles had vasopressin receptors closer to the “reward” section of the brain, adulterous little voles had vasopressin activity in the amygdala section of the brain, the center that deals with emotions like anxiety and fear.

Is it possible then, that adulterous urges come from hormonal imbalances?

WebMD also chimed in on the matter, with biological anthropologist Helen Fisher taking a somewhat conventional viewpoint that really can’t be disproven, even after all these years later.

Namely that women cheat because they are motivated by unhappiness, whereas men, statistically speaking, seem to have the ability to cheat in their spare time and yet come home to a happy family life.

When it comes to cheating purely for sexual pleasure, men are still statistically dominating, with WebMD’s article revealing that 34 percent of cheating women claimed to be happy in their married life compared to 56 percent of cheating men, which just wanted to have their cake and eat it too.

Men vs women: The conclusion?

There is no conclusive proof to indicate that men cheat more than women do because of their makeup or gender, just as there is no way to prove conclusively that more women are cheating today because there are more unhappy marriages.

We have to assume that each person has a different genetic, environmental and psychological approach to sexual dissatisfaction or temptation.

What’s right for one person may be wrong for another, and what might be difficult circumstances for one married woman, prompting her to surrender to temptation, may not even be worth a single thought by someone else.

One thing is for sure however…in a post-feminist world, it’s not only men that can get away with cheating. Whereas decades ago, men cheated and women had no choice but to tolerate it (or risk becoming a social outcast) now we have evened out the playing field and both sexes have rights to infidelity and responsibilities resulting from that infidelity.

So in many subtle ways, the maturity of our culture has been positive. Whether you’re a man or a woman, you deserve happiness and your happiness should never be based solely on what your society allows you.